It’s hard to find yourself if you’ve never been lost

I was looking through my photos and came across a bunch of old photos (because I take 9 million pictures)  from when I was pregnant.

As I was reflecting on what’s transpired in life since then, I wanted to share my thoughts with you. 

This picture was in Jackson Hole visiting my BIL. 

I was 4 months pregnant and could still fit into all of my clothes. My biggest concerns were around getting huge and wanting to create a stress-free natural birth for this baby boy. We were blissfully unaware of the after-birth experience aka actually keeping a human alive or how much our lives would change!  

At the time I had taken a break from my corporate medical device career and was giving Beautycounter a chance to really thrive. I had started to begin to imagine what my life could look like if I became a full-time entrepreneur and really created life on my terms. I found I wasn’t ready yet to make this my permanent reality but it was a taste of what was possible and what lead me to ultimately leave for a good 3 years later.

It’s ok to try, to take big chances, to learn as you go, to fail, to dust yourself off, and to try again and again! 

I was 9 months pregnant biking to breweries just wishing he would get out of me….oh why was I in such a hurry? It’s kind of like college - we are in a hurry to graduate only to discover that adulting is a LOT more complex. 

I used to always be in a hurry about life and trying to cram in as many things as possible!!  This would stress me and everyone else around me out. My husband and parents used to nickname me The Taz. 

This was shifting without me consciously realizing it. I had taken hypnobirthing (one of the 12 birthing classes I had John take with me LOL) which was my first exposure to meditation and visualization. I had zero relationship to my spirituality and didn’t truly trust myself or my body. 

I also didn’t realize how much trauma I had been carrying around in my body that I would literally birth into conscious existence the day he was born. 

This is a more recent photo taken 4 years later in March of 2021 at Arches National Park. 

It’s almost impossible to put into words how much has changed for me since those first 2 pictures. If someone had told me that I would be who I am today, I would have laughed them off a cliff. Seriously, who could have imagined that?!? Definitely not me. 

I would have said, “I’m not qualified for that”. My anxiety would have taken over and said “You’re a fraud”. My spiritual practice was nowhere to be found and my fearful ego still played a role in my life.

These photos may seem like random photos to you, but they hold so much significance for me. They represent losing myself and finding myself again. They show me my journey of tens of thousands of hours of intentional growth work, healing deep ancestral trauma, deciding who I want to be not who other people told me I should be, getting to know my soul, learning how to love another human on an unexplainably huge level, navigating my marriage through it all, and finding that some next-level love for myself. 

And they show me that I can survive anything. I am a powerfully vulnerable woman! 

And shit, looking back this beautiful journey was NOT EASY and it was worth it. All of it was worth it. 

All the physical and emotional pain, every tear, every moment of frustration, days spent in bed, friendships shed, moments of confusion and struggle, and feeling like I was never going to feel alive again = worth it. 

It’s hard to find yourself if you’ve never been lost. 

Thank you for going down memory lane with me! 

Here’s to creating a life full of growth and purpose.